It's been three years since "the incident," she's in a committed relationship, and "yes," she says, "he benefits from the boyfriend privilege." So does she: "It's fun, it's empowering, it's all those things. In Malacad's research, most said they gave oral sex for reasons like "My partner does it for me, I do it for him he enjoys it, I enjoy it it's something that we enjoy together." And if guys have a BJE, then fair's fair-we get to have one too! Plenty of women do. It's for me." The rise of BJs, concludes Nelson, "comes from women being more equal sexually." Giving head has historically been viewed as a submissive act, Malacad says, "but if you can be a strong female who takes control of her sexuality, it might, in fact, make you feel good-make you feel powerful-to perform oral sex." Some of the women in her research, for example, have said, "I do it because I get off on it…. In Malacad's study, not only did some of the women like going down on a guy, but they also reported feeling downright empowered. That, it turns out, is part of the appeal.
"But oral sex is such an intense way of being close to somebody, of finding true intimacy, and if we disregard that and make it a throwaway, then we take all the power and pleasure out of it."ĪH, POWER. "The expectation from men is If you don't feel like having sex, can you at least give me a blow job?'" she says. This exposure can create a blasé attitude toward oral sex, even among committed couples.
"I see grown men in my office who say they've been looking at porn since they were 12," says sex therapist Tammy Nelson, Ph.D., author of Getting the Sex You Want. PORN, PORN, PORN! Let's not forget that the digital era has led to the rise of easy-access adult movies, in which blow jobs are often Act I, Scene I. So "men are like, It's safe, you like me, let's do this,'" Borg says. When intercourse is off the table, oral sex can become a goal. High schoolers have been taught that intercourse can lead to sexually transmitted infections-but not necessarily that oral sex may too (which it can see "Wait" on next page). Another reason for our casual view of oral sex? Sex education trends since the 1990s, says Sonia Borg, Ph.D., a clinical sexologist and author of Oral Sex He'll Never Forget. Remember the scene in Bridesmaids in which Jon Hamm ribs Kristen Wiig for not giving him a "lap nap"? Or in Knocked Up, when Katherine Heigl asks Seth Rogen what he would want on their second date? "BJ," he says. And it exists: In an Australian survey, 50 percent of women ages 16 to 25 reported that they'd been pressured to give oral sex, and a recent Playboy/Harris Interactive online survey revealed that 23 percent of men wouldn't even date someone if she refused to give it. John's assumption that he'd get a BJ on the third date? You could call it (in a sort of Seinfeld-ian way) the new BJE, or blow job expectation. He walked her to her car, and she never heard from him again. Undeterred, John asked a second time Holly said no. I can only imagine what else you can do with your mouth.'" She was so taken aback that she started laughing: Her halter top and heels littered his floor, but he expected her to give him oral? "That's a boyfriend privilege, and you're not my boyfriend," she replied. A few minutes into making out, recalls Holly, "He tells me, You're such a good kisser.
At the end of date number three, they went home together. Just ask Holly,* a 28-year-old sales rep from Houston, about the experience she now refers to as "the incident." Things started out fine: She'd met John, a cute financial broker, on and had been on two low-key dates. Fellatio, blow jobs, going downtown, giving head-we blush a bit just printing the words. If you're married to a guy, are living with a guy or have dated a guy anytime this past millennium, it's probably no surprise to you that what guys want more of is oral sex.